Raising Eli & Zachary + a little Princess

I have found that there are days in my life as a parent of a Aspergers (PDD-NOS) child that seem like everything is normal. You get up in the morning and your child gets himself dressed, asks nicely for some pancakes and syrup and gets himself ready for school. Meanwhile you are looking around for the candid camera waiting to figure out who prompted your child with the instructions on what to do next but then you realize, he is just doing it on his own.

I call these the normal days. The days when Eli is not flapping his hands, or crying for nothing. I wish I knew how to capture these moments so I can repeat them. Today, Eli came up to me and gave me a hug and said he loved me. I never had to tell him to do something, he simply did everything right. I loved it. Tomorrow…might be a total reversal but I will take this day and just embrace it for what it was. A great day for Eli.

(1 votes, average: 3.00 out of 5)

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I have been thinking lately of all the great headway Eli has made over the last few years and I couldn’t be more proud of what he has accomplished. Unfortunately there are a lot of things that still frustrate the hell out of me and brings me to tears. So I began to think of all the bad things and wondered what frustrates me the most. The answer is fixations. Eli fixates on things.

When I say fixate I mean they kid does not alter from a subject until a new subject catches his interest. When I get home from work I am presented with Eli coming to me asking me to pick a number, or a color which is translated into me selecting whatever he is fixated on. Tonight it was powers associated with the characters from Super Mario characters. I was bombarded with a re-telling of the entire Mario World, with such minute details that I could swear he has been studying Mario for a decade and did a college thesis on the subject.

Now I am sure that the reason for this is the Aspergers Syndrome and his superior intellect. He has a photographic memory and anything he sees becomes  locked in his mind for eternity. He reads the story line and instantly knows every stat, every fact and every hidden part of the entire  universe. It would be nice to see Eli focus this talent on something more important than video games, Pokemon or Scooby Doo enemies. Unfortunately the normal things tend to bore him. Although if you asked him anything about space, the planets, the universe or animals he would school you. I just wish he could avoid internalizing all of it and have a normal conversation.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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A lot of us probably think that coddling our PDD-NOS is the only way to handle a meltdown. I am beginning to think that coddling actually hampers the curbing of meltdowns and I was looking for input from other PDD-NOS parents.

When your child melts you have to analyze the cause at a moments notice. There are going to be situations where grabbing them and hugging them is going to be the best thing and probably the only thing that is going to help them, but in other scenarios it is an over-reaction that needs to be curbed.

An example was something simple today. Eli was using a very decorative pencil as a magic wand and when he misplaced it he melted big time. The solution was simple, I gave him two other options for use as the magic wand, of course neither sufficed. At this point I told him he was over-reacting and that he need to adjust to the situation in a better way. He cried. I ignored the situation and said he had options and that melting was just not acceptable.

It took him awhile but he ended up acknowledging that he was acting poorly and promised to try to not do it again. I think that is a good start.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Today was a late start at Eli’s school and as the kids gathered around the front door a girl a few years older than Eli was asking her friend how she enjoyed the blizzard. Eli waited patiently and listened to each person tell their stories and the girl looked around and ask, “Anyone else have fun in the snow?”

Eli’s looked at her, asked her what her name was and said, “I had a blast playing in the snow. I built a slide of snow with my next door neighbors and we took turns trying to ride the slide all the way to the bottom of the hill. It rocked”

At this I did a double take, not only did he socialize with kids he didn’t know, but he spoke like a cool kid. Totally normal behavior and very appropriate. I was  very proud of him, so being the dad I am I called out, Hey Eli…I love you, have a great day.

He turned, rolled his eyes at me and shook his head. I am the uncool dad who just said something uncool in front of the cute girls. DOH!

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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I have been weighting the pro and cons about telling Eli he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS but feared that he was not yet mature enough to understand. Lately he has been hinting to me that he knows he is a bit different and has engaged in conversation about how his classmates treat him like he is an odd-ball. My first thought was that kids can be mean and wondered if it was just normal behavior for kids to have their little friendship groups or if it was the Aspergers Syndrome causing the problem.

Then I thought about it, Eli does not have many play dates with his “friends” at school. Why is that? Do other kids hang out with their friends at age 7? Eli goes to his friend next door often, and actually engages with us to ask permission, but I would love to see him running around outside more, playing with his friends and having fun. Instead, Eli finds his comfort in the computer, his collection of cards and his brother.

There have been a few times I wanted to sit him down and tell him he has Aspergers. I question if he can handle the diagnosis and if it will depress him. Part of me wants to let him know so he can fight the internal struggle to push comfort level so he can learn to adjust better.

I am not sure I know the answer, but I do know this. It gets harder as they age. Eli is 1.5 million times “better” then he was years ago, but he still has Aspergers. He has to be told. Maybe this is the year.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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This question is asked of me all the time and as a Dad I completely understand why a dad would reject the diagnosis of PDD-NOS of their child. It is a pride thing and this is not an uncommon event. It happens because the dad loves his child and refuses to think there is anything wrong. This is a totally honorable notion, but unfortunately it is completely misguided when it results in the parents not being on the same page and  the support not given to the child.

I suffered with this myself. But my LOVE for my child won the day. I figured it this way. Nothing bad can come of Eli getting the kind of support the specialists, educators and therapists said my child needed. Even though at first I rejected the diagnosis, the support was only going to improve my boys life. He will be better socially, better academically and more responsible.  I figured, how could that hurt?

Deep inside I knew there were issues. I just was being a dad. My kid is normal, my kid is perfect, and my kid does not need help. Once he started getting the help I didn’t expect to see the instant results which just reinforced the diagnosis. MY KID IS PERFECT, but he has Aspergers, originally diagnosed as PDD-NOS. That diagnosis does not make him less perfect, it makes him just need more love from me, his DAD.

To the father who is not accepting of the diagnosis. Continue to deny it in your head but give your son the therapy he needs. It will not hurt him, there is no social stigma about getting help, none of the other kids understand what is going on, and your child will grow and improve in the areas he is struggling with. This is a no brainer. If you love you kid, you provide the best of everything for them no matter what. You take your kids to the doctor when they don’t have a fever, You take them to the dentist even if they don’t have a cavity. You take your PDD-NOS child to therapy so when he is 16 he interacts, socializes, learns and becomes a man. If you deny him services you risk his ability to have an independent life. Whether you think he has a problem or not, is it worth that risk? Suck it up, swallow your pride and get your child help. There are only positives that result from it.

Any father can call me.  Any dad can write me, and any dad can cry openly me over their child diagnosis. There is no shame, no judgement, no laughing. OUR KIDS DESERVE THE BEST CHANCE AT A POSITIVE LIFE. That is all you need to gain out of this. Give the kid the chance to have a life by getting help at an early age.

(2 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Folks – It is ok to punish y our autistic child. I have been asked recently by a lot of  parents how I discipline Eli and Zachary.  Eli has Aspergers and Zach is not on the spectrum and I discipline them the same way.

1st is a verbal warning asking them nicely to stop the behavior that I don’t appreciate

2nd is another verbal warning with a bit stronger tone and I bring them away from the situation and talk to them making sure I keep their eye contact. I explain what they are doing, why it is wrong and how they can make a better decision.

3rd time, I put them in time out for the number of minutes appropriate to their age. When the time is up, I sit them down and talk to them. I make them explain to me why they were in time out and ask them if it was appropriate behavior. When they admit they are wrong, and say they are sorry I let them up, wipe away the tears, give them a hug and send them back playing.

If they go right back to the behavior I break out a bambo sword and smack them around (just kidding). The important thing is to have  plan and stick with it. Don’t alter from the course or they will try to take advantage of you. Eli is famous for flopping to the ground and saying “I’m a bad boy!” in which I used to reply, no your not don’t be silly. Now I reply, Yes Eli you are being a bad boy and nobody likes a bad boy (other then girls in leather…anyway). I tell him he can instantly be a good boy by listening and adjusting his behavior.

One last note. Kids are supposed to get in trouble. That is how they learn. If you baby a PDD-NOS kid, they will always be a baby. Do what is right. Be a parent.

(1 votes, average: 4.00 out of 5)

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I think a major concern for parents of autistic children is the belief that their kids will never experience the joy and benefits of sports in their kids lives. This is not the case and I can speak from experience that autistic kids, high functioning or not can benefit and be successful at sports. The question is simply: Which sport is your child going to excel at!

Eli tried soccer, and showed some promise but didn’t like it. He also played two seasons of little league and did very well at it but found it boring. At scout camp he tried fishing (not really a sport) and loved it, he also loved the archery.  Wait, he also loves swimming, and shockingly enough finished 4th in the mile run out of like 18 kids.

Do you get the idea? It seems that Eli is better tuned at individual sports than group sports. With that in mind I decided tonight to invest $90 in a kids real recursive bow and arrows. I will take him to some group lessons, and give im the opportunity to experience more archery experience then he had at cub scouts and see if he still likes it. Worse case scenario, I will have saved his bow for his brother who is already demanding to use it.

The important lesson is to give your child every opportunity to try sports and teach them good sportsmanship. You will eventually find a sport your child is good at and loves. That is a huge accomplishment. I found that Eli is hard on himself if he does not instantly do well at any sport. It discourages him, so make sure you set expectations low for success and build it up always giving encouragement.

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He caught this little guy using a live worm on his first cast.

So Eli had his first Cub Scout camping trip and it was a huge success. He did all the activities and only complained about helping pack up our stuff on the final day. He ate outdoors, slept in a tent, went fishing and learned how to shoot a bow and arrow. The coolest thing was watching him break away from Dad and be social with the rest of his Cub Scout friends. I didn’t have to correct him, intervene or try to encourage him to do anything. He just did it. What a great thing watching him this weekend.

This just goes to show you that a PDD-NOS/Asperger/Autistic kid can be successful at things like the Scouts. Eli took away from the experience a desire to take Archery lessons and go fishing more. Guess what I am shopping for now!

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A few months ago Eli asked me if he could join the Boy Scouts. As a scout myself I thought it was a great idea but I was shocked at the lack of response from my local Den to my inquiries. I asked five different times and I had no response. Not a very good feeling. The scouts must have changed from the time I was a kid. Especially if they can decide NOT to welcome kids in.

Recently a school flier was sent home about scouting and my son approached me and asked if we could go. Who am I to say no to such a request so we went and had a fantastic time. A week later Eli has his Cub Scout uniform and we embark on our first camping trip this weekend. So what does this mean for me? And how will Eli react to all of the changes he is about to experience for the first time? Any PDD-NOS or Aspergers parent knows that a change in schedule and behavior can be a melt down situation and one thing we parents try to do is prepare our kids for these eventual scenarios.

So tonight I will help Eli build the tent (weather permitting) in the backyard. I will go out and spend money on sleeping bags, and all the other various camping things we will need and hope for the best. I am sure I will hear the I want Mommy bit sometime during the trip and I just hope I can redirect him to something that will calm him down. I am looking forward to being outdoors, hiking, archery and rock climbing. I just hope Eli embraces it.

(3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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