Raising Eli & Zachary + a little Princess

Peek-a-Poop

Zachary is quite the comedian. Everything he does has to be funny, risky and on the edge. Tonight he tells me he has to go poopy and wants to race to the bathroom. Of course, he wins (he always wins) and once he gets on the toilet claims he needs his “privacy” and I can’t look at him.

I leave the room and a few moments later I hear him laughing. My first thought is that he pooped and is now painting the walls. Nope. What I find is him laughing about having two spyglasses. This is what he was doing.

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It is hard to believe that I have been a dad for eight years. Eli’s Birthday is tomorrow and I sit back and absorb everything I have learned and experienced. When Eli was first diagnosed I was in denial. He was so young, and so bright and acted in a normal manner. I never saw the signs, neither did his mother.

So when the school said he was showing signs of a developmental delay my first words were that is crazy. Then it dawned on me, he did seem to be a bit slower than he should be at doing things like walking and talking, using a fork or spoon. But it was hard, because as a dad  parent you always think your child is perfect. Eli was perfect, just not developing at the same speed as the other kids his age.

Now eight years later Eli still has issues. He is emotional, hard on himself, still stims a bit but has shown remarkable intelligence and cognitive thought. He has a photographic memory and literally memorizes and remembers everything you ever said, and anything you ever did. If you make him a promise, you better keep it because five years from now he will remind you that you broke it.

I have said this a million times, I would never want Eli any other way. He is such a funny, unique and well mannered boy. It wasn’t until we had Zachary that we realized how different and unique Eli was. Where Zach is the typical boy, Eli is not. Zach wants to be crashing cars, climbing trees, hitting baseballs, and Eli wants to be reading books, playing computer games and surfing the web.

We still have plenty of work to do with Eli. It gets harder and harder to convince the school system that he needs help. As the school work gets harder this will become more and more of an issue. We have to remind ourselves that he is different, not because we want a classification to label him for the rest of his life, but because we want his life to not be marred by his inability to understand and react to situations in a fluid manner like most kids. He needs structure, a schedule and reminders.

The great thing is that he is a smart, handsome boy with a great attitude and mental fortitude. He will go far in his life and I have no doubt about that. I just want him to enjoy more of his youth and be a kid. Run and play with the other kids, laugh and be outdoors. I want him to be happy. Speaking of that, Happy Birthday little man.

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I love how the comments section has taken off with communication between parents working together to discuss their children. This is a dream come true that the blog is becoming a resource for others. I just wanted to remind people that all comments go through moderation. So if you write a comment and it does not appear instantly please understand that it is being held for approval.

I try to reply or approve all comments as soon as possible.

Thanks
Bernard

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A lot of us probably think that coddling our PDD-NOS is the only way to handle a meltdown. I am beginning to think that coddling actually hampers the curbing of meltdowns and I was looking for input from other PDD-NOS parents.

When your child melts you have to analyze the cause at a moments notice. There are going to be situations where grabbing them and hugging them is going to be the best thing and probably the only thing that is going to help them, but in other scenarios it is an over-reaction that needs to be curbed.

An example was something simple today. Eli was using a very decorative pencil as a magic wand and when he misplaced it he melted big time. The solution was simple, I gave him two other options for use as the magic wand, of course neither sufficed. At this point I told him he was over-reacting and that he need to adjust to the situation in a better way. He cried. I ignored the situation and said he had options and that melting was just not acceptable.

It took him awhile but he ended up acknowledging that he was acting poorly and promised to try to not do it again. I think that is a good start.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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Most of you know by now that Jodi is expecting our third child. When Eli was born and we discovered that he had PDD-NOS I was hesitant to have a second child. My concern was that the second child could have the same problem or GOD forbid have something worse. When we had Zachary our fears were eased when he seemed and continues to develop normally.

It took me awhile to consider having a third child, but I caved in and it didn’t take long before Jodi told me she had a bun in the oven. Our thoughts went to the desire of having a little girl to go along with the two boys. Last night, while I was sick in my bed throwing up non-stop Jodi went to the doc with the boys and her dad and found out that we are in fact having a little girl.

Now the worry pops up. I know how to take care of boys. I know how to change them, play with them, rough house with them. What the hell do I do with a little girl? How do you play with a little girl? Tea parties? Princess stuff…oh come on. I have no training in this!

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Today was a late start at Eli’s school and as the kids gathered around the front door a girl a few years older than Eli was asking her friend how she enjoyed the blizzard. Eli waited patiently and listened to each person tell their stories and the girl looked around and ask, “Anyone else have fun in the snow?”

Eli’s looked at her, asked her what her name was and said, “I had a blast playing in the snow. I built a slide of snow with my next door neighbors and we took turns trying to ride the slide all the way to the bottom of the hill. It rocked”

At this I did a double take, not only did he socialize with kids he didn’t know, but he spoke like a cool kid. Totally normal behavior and very appropriate. I was  very proud of him, so being the dad I am I called out, Hey Eli…I love you, have a great day.

He turned, rolled his eyes at me and shook his head. I am the uncool dad who just said something uncool in front of the cute girls. DOH!

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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I have been weighting the pro and cons about telling Eli he was diagnosed with PDD-NOS but feared that he was not yet mature enough to understand. Lately he has been hinting to me that he knows he is a bit different and has engaged in conversation about how his classmates treat him like he is an odd-ball. My first thought was that kids can be mean and wondered if it was just normal behavior for kids to have their little friendship groups or if it was the Aspergers Syndrome causing the problem.

Then I thought about it, Eli does not have many play dates with his “friends” at school. Why is that? Do other kids hang out with their friends at age 7? Eli goes to his friend next door often, and actually engages with us to ask permission, but I would love to see him running around outside more, playing with his friends and having fun. Instead, Eli finds his comfort in the computer, his collection of cards and his brother.

There have been a few times I wanted to sit him down and tell him he has Aspergers. I question if he can handle the diagnosis and if it will depress him. Part of me wants to let him know so he can fight the internal struggle to push comfort level so he can learn to adjust better.

I am not sure I know the answer, but I do know this. It gets harder as they age. Eli is 1.5 million times “better” then he was years ago, but he still has Aspergers. He has to be told. Maybe this is the year.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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This question is asked of me all the time and as a Dad I completely understand why a dad would reject the diagnosis of PDD-NOS of their child. It is a pride thing and this is not an uncommon event. It happens because the dad loves his child and refuses to think there is anything wrong. This is a totally honorable notion, but unfortunately it is completely misguided when it results in the parents not being on the same page and  the support not given to the child.

I suffered with this myself. But my LOVE for my child won the day. I figured it this way. Nothing bad can come of Eli getting the kind of support the specialists, educators and therapists said my child needed. Even though at first I rejected the diagnosis, the support was only going to improve my boys life. He will be better socially, better academically and more responsible.  I figured, how could that hurt?

Deep inside I knew there were issues. I just was being a dad. My kid is normal, my kid is perfect, and my kid does not need help. Once he started getting the help I didn’t expect to see the instant results which just reinforced the diagnosis. MY KID IS PERFECT, but he has Aspergers, originally diagnosed as PDD-NOS. That diagnosis does not make him less perfect, it makes him just need more love from me, his DAD.

To the father who is not accepting of the diagnosis. Continue to deny it in your head but give your son the therapy he needs. It will not hurt him, there is no social stigma about getting help, none of the other kids understand what is going on, and your child will grow and improve in the areas he is struggling with. This is a no brainer. If you love you kid, you provide the best of everything for them no matter what. You take your kids to the doctor when they don’t have a fever, You take them to the dentist even if they don’t have a cavity. You take your PDD-NOS child to therapy so when he is 16 he interacts, socializes, learns and becomes a man. If you deny him services you risk his ability to have an independent life. Whether you think he has a problem or not, is it worth that risk? Suck it up, swallow your pride and get your child help. There are only positives that result from it.

Any father can call me.  Any dad can write me, and any dad can cry openly me over their child diagnosis. There is no shame, no judgement, no laughing. OUR KIDS DESERVE THE BEST CHANCE AT A POSITIVE LIFE. That is all you need to gain out of this. Give the kid the chance to have a life by getting help at an early age.

(3 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

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This last week has been a real nightmare. First we have Hurricane Sandy create havoc where I live. Power outages, a gas shortage like nothing I have ever seen, a nor’easter dumping six inches of snow and between all of that I get hit on my motorcycle while riding to work (before the snow). So I will be a bit behind schedule in responding to some of the requests and comments.

The damage? Broken foot, some ligament damage in my foot and I am extremely sore, from my neck, to my lower back and hips. I am going to be fine, I just look forward to the day where I am able to walk again and get back to doing my normal activities. More to follow. Oh by the way, did you see the title change of the blog?  More to follow!

(2 votes, average: 3.50 out of 5)

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It is a frustrating thing being the parent to a special needs child. Eli’s first reaction to any group setting is one of being shy and reserved and usually manifests as him hiding behind me and whimpering softly that he is shy. It usually takes only a few minutes before he warms up but it is hard to deal with especially when he does it in front of his friends. I have always worried that Eli will be a social outcast and not because he waves his hands or has imaginary battles with whatever the toy of the day is (Super Mario 9 bosses from the Wii, or Pokemon from his latest deck). It is because he puts himself into the situation where he shows them his social anxiety. At this age he is starting to develop friends that could last a lifetime and nobody wants to be seen with the kid who has the wild imagination or is socially different.

I fear for him more and more because half the time he does things like this it seems like a ploy for attention from me.  If I play into it, he does it more. If I ignore it, he either gets over it faster or melts down more. A no win situation for any parent. That is not to say that he is not getting better in some of these situations because he is, just when it happens, it happens and it is bad.

(1 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)

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